Phone Sex

Rating: R
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Nathan/Charles
Warnings: Language
Summary: Sometimes you just have to combine business with pleasure.
Notes: Written for the IC fic challenge at Sausage Festival.

“Did I what? Yes. Three times. Mr. Adler you appear to be missing my point. ‘Metal Jam 2008’ is supposed to be a three day showcase of the finest heavy metal bands in existence. It is not an invitation for you to prove your testosterone content.”

Charles Ofdensen ground his teeth together as he waited for the pompous sack of crap masking as a human being on the other end of the phone line to shut up. Finally Adler drew breath and Ofdensen dove in.

“I realize that you are convinced it would be an epic moment to have Skwisgaar play alongside your guitar player at the upcoming event, but Mr. Adler if you put Skwisgaar and…” Ofdensen fought back the tiny bit of bile that threatened to make an untimely appearance. “And… Chad on a stage together, you will not have a music event, you will have a fight.” Pause. “Well probably because at the last Metal Jam Chad loaded the snacks in Dethklok’s dressing room with laxatives and syrup of Ipecac.” Pause. “Yes we know it was him, we have it on the security cameras.” Pause. “Did I…? Really, Mr. Adler, I assure you that at no time did I utter the words ‘kick his ass’.” Pause. “Well perhaps he spiked the snacks of another band not as forgiving as we are. He does tend to make himself unpopular at these events.”

Ofdensen heard the door of his office open, and then close. Something large walked up behind him, and powerful arms embraced him as white teeth lightly nipped his neck. Ofdensen did not react to the embrace or the nibbling. When the large something began forcing him to bend over his desk he simply complied, still conducting his business.

“Mr. Adler,” Ofdensen interrupted sharply. “Despite allegations of who has done what and to whom, you simply cannot put Skwisgaar and Chad on the same stage and expect them to play nice.” Pause. “I find it highly unlikely Chad could kick Skwisgaar’s ass.” Pause. “No that would be William Murderface, the bass player. Skwisgaar is the big blonde who stands almost seven feet in his socks. If Chad wants to kick Skwisgaar’s ass he will first have to find something on which to stand order to reach it. At any rate we are, I believe, attempting to organize a music event, not a boxing match.” Pause. “Well then to whom do I speak about the matter? Fine, transfer me to Josephine.” Ofdensen sighed. “Arrogant prick.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Nathan, why are you in here?”

Nathan was chewing on the back of Ofdensen’s Armani suit, large hands slowly exploring his small, solid body. “Hey, you said if you were not done by nine then I was free to come in here and distract you.”

Ofdensen checked his watch. It was nine-fifteen. “You’re right, I did. Well you’ll have to bear with me; I’m attempting to avert a catastrophe.”

“Is what’s-his-face still trying to get Dethklok to do some sort of stupid jam with Corpse Light?”

“Yes. Although I can certainly understand why; they could use the advertising.”

“Brutal. And not… like… the good kind of brutal. You know if Skwisgaar sees Chad he’ll kill him.”

“I am aware of that. I would hate to have that happen, because it would make organizing tours somewhat difficult with Skwisgaar in the penitentiary.” He turned his attention to the phone once more. “Josephine. Finally, a rational person.” Pause. "You heard. Then you know…”

Ofdensen sighed, listening, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. As Nathan slowly turned him over so that he was lying on his back on the desk, Ofdensen grabbed a schedule and consulted it.

“No, that will not work.” Pause. “Well a restraining order is certainly an option, and Adler would have no choice but to honour it.”

Nathan drew up one of Ofdensen’s legs. He took hold of the shoe and pulled it off, then the sock, then did the same with the other foot. Positioning himself between Ofdensen’s legs, he pushed up the front of the grey suit jacket, finding the button that held the front of his pants closed. Nathan lowered his head and closed his teeth around the button, then bit. There was a noise like miniature gunfire. Ofdensen reached down and fondly stroked the black hair for a moment, then set aside the schedule to grab something from a pile of folders on his desk.

“Yes, I have the list.” Pause. “Really. No I’m not surprised in the least Nine Inch Nails and Type O Negative don’t want Chad there. He pissed off who? He what? How? Josephine, why is this man even appearing at this venue?” Pause. “Well that’s just lovely. Skwisgaar can rip Chad’s head off and Mr. Steele can shit down his neck.”

As Ofdensen listened to Josephine, Nathan parted the front of his suit jacket and lowered his head to bite gently at the silk shirt beneath. Then he found a mother-of-pearl button, and, taking it between his molars, smashed it. Ofdensen raised his head and looked down at Nathan, then held the phone away from his face and covered over the mouth piece with his hand.

“Nathan those buttons are mother-of-pearl, it’s a type of shell and it’s very hard. You’ll break your teeth and we’ll have to take you to the dentist.”

“Fuck the dentist.”

Ofdensen returned to his phone call. Nathan continued to smash buttons, shattering each one with a noise like a miniature explosion. Until he got to the last one and there was a grinding, cracking sound. Once more Ofdensen held out the phone and covered the mouthpiece as Nathan dropped to the floor in excruciating pain, holding his face.

“You broke it, didn’t you?”

A large hand surfaced from over the edge of the desk, middle finger raised.

“That’s very good, Nathan. Excellent rebuttal. I’ll schedule you an appointment.” Ofdensen returned to his phone call. “Josephine you don’t seem to grasp the concept that I am attempting to avert a blood bath here.” Pause. “Who is insisting on this? Mr. Adler, well colour me shocked. All right, patch me through to Lawrence, honestly if we can’t get this settled… He’s where? Then who…? Christine! Yes! I will talk to Christine.”

Nathan managed to get off the floor and slowly removed Ofdensen’s suit jacket, then stripped off the ruined silk shirt. He began softly kissing the fair flesh beneath it, thinking it odd that someone who seemed to spend all his days in an office had a body of solid muscle. He trailed his tongue over the warm skin, finding a nipple and closing his lips over it, his large hands slowly pulling off the grey dress slacks.

“Christine! How are you? How are the cats?” Pause. “They did? Huh. I had no idea a cat was even capable of opening a fridge door. Listen, about Chad… oh he won’t? Well how can you be so sure? I see.” Pause. “Yes I believe I have it.”

The white shorts followed the grey slacks, and Nathan positioned himself between Ofdensen’s thighs, reaching down to open the front of his pants, drawing out a large and fully erect penis. Ofdensen hurriedly yanked out some hand lotion from a drawer and thrust it at him. Nathan accepted it, then passed Ofdensen the paper he was looking for before he began preparing to take him, gently working the lotion slowly into him. Then with a quiet growl he lowered his head and pressed deep inside of him. Ofdensen reached up to lightly pull at the long black hair, closing his eyes as Nathan leaned forward to kiss him. He brought up a hand to gently stop the kiss, and Nathan began nibbling his fingers.

“Did I what?” Ofdensen strained to hear over Nathan’s quiet purring. “I’m sorry you’ll have to speak up, I’m being mounted by a rock god.” Pause. “Nathan.” Pause. “Nine inches.”

Nathan looked surprised, then glanced down. “I thought it was six.”

“You were looking at the tape measure upside-down.”

“Oh.” He resumed kissing Ofdensen’s warm skin, thrusting slowly.

Ofdensen closed his eyes, relaxing, beginning to give into his body’s desires, even if his voice gave no indication. “Christine if we cannot mend this situation I will have no alternative but to pull Dethklok out of Metal Jam.”

Nathan froze, his head snapping up to look at Ofdensen, eyes huge, preparing to utter his patented wailing howl of despair. Ofdensen held up a finger, delaying the cry.

“Well I fail to see how I have any alternative. I can’t risk having my boys walk into what could potentially be a violent situation.”

Nathan watched as Ofdensen’s eyes took on that cold glint, and that vague little smile touched his lips that meant things had gone as he hoped. “That sounds perfectly acceptable to me. Yes. We’ll meet tomorrow with the event co-ordinators and have the decision formalized. All right. Give my love to the cats. Good night.”

Ofdensen hung up the phone, then slid his arms around Nathan’s neck as Nathan lowered his head to kiss him.

“So… everything’s okay?”

“Perfect. When it came down to a choice between Corpse Light and Dethklok, they chose the pearls over the swine.”

Nathan stared at him blankly. “So… everything’s okay?”

“Yes, Nathan, everything’s okay.”

“Good.” Nathan leaned forward over Ofdensen’s body, resting his forearms in the polished desk, kissing him hard, their tongues meeting as Ofdensen’s hands came to rest on Nathan’s broad shoulders…

The phone rang. Nathan raised his head, and Ofdensen swore quietly.

“What’s the number on the display?”

Nathan read it, and Ofdensen swore again. “Ignore it, it’s Adler, no doubt having kittens over Corpse Light being taken out of the line-up. Nathan… what are you doing?”

Nathan answered the phone. “Charles can’t talk to dildos right now. He’s fucking busy. And… uh… the other one, too. Vice-versa.”

Nathan hung up, then looked down at his lover. He gently removed the glasses from Ofdensen’s face and set them aside, then began kissing his neck as he resumed thrusting into him. Ofdensen breathed out the stresses of the day and wrapped his arms once more around Nathan’s neck. But there was still one slight detail that needed tending to.

“Nathan?”

“Yeah?”

“The… office curtains are wide open and the lights are on.”

“Oh. Yeah. Right.”

Nathan grabbed an antique paperweight from Ofdensen’s desk and threw it at the overhead lights. They smashed with a loud popping sound and a shower of small bits of glass, plunging the office into blackness. Ofdensen sighed.

“That’s… just perfect, Nathan. Wonderful.”

“You’re welcome,” said Nathan happily.