My Fuzzy Valentine

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Nathan/Toki
Warnings: You’ll know them when you see them.
Summary: Dethklok get a Valentine, and Nathan demonstrates why he is the lead man.
Notes: HAPPY VALENTINE’S PEOPLE!

The early-morning hangover was worse than usual – FAR worse. It was like being beaten over the head with burning metal hammers while midgets kicked him in the guts. Nathan ran a hand over his face, then let his arm flop to the side… and hit somebody.

“HEY! Is I smackings you in da face whens you is sleeping?”

Nathan turned his head abruptly, and regretted it heartily. “Toki?”

Toki slowly sat up and looked around blearily, his long brown hair rumpled, as if he had slept in it while wet. He rubbed his face with his hand, and surveyed the collection of snoring bodies.

“Why is we all in your bed?” He peered under the blankets. “Why is we all nakeds in your bed?”

Nathan slowly sat up. “That’s a good question. What did…” He closed his eyes and waited for his stomach to calm down. “What did we do last night?”

“We has bigs party wit’ Death Rider, remembers? We’s gets drunk, eats, play… screws arounds, you…” Toki suddenly fell silent. Nathan felt his heart sink, and he and Toki gave each other pained looks.

“Oh nots again,” said Toki mournfully.

Nathan sighed heavily. For as long as Dethklok and Death Rider had been friends, there had been a tradition of punking each other; playing jokes, pulling pranks, and just generally making each other’s lives hell. Nathan knew the four guys in Death Rider well enough to realize that waking up stark naked with his four band mates was more than a case of everyone being drunk and ending up in the wrong room. As Pickles, William and Skwisgaar slept on, Nathan reached for his dethphone. Sure enough, there was a message from Paul, Death Rider’s lead guitarist and one of Skwisgaar’s closest friends. He held the phone out so Toki could hear the message as well.

“Nathan! Great party last night. Sorry we had to go, we had to be in New York and we couldn’t stay.” There were some snorts and giggles. “Yeah so anyway, uh… happy Valentine’s Day! Me and the guys made you a card. You should find it on YouTube. Love you!”

There were some kissy-noises, then the message ended. Nathan stared at the phone, that sinking sensation increasing.

“Pass me the laptop,” said Nathan.

Toki dutifully handed him the laptop. Nathan turned it on, went to YouTube, and found the Dethklok videos. So far so good, everything looked nice and metal, and then…

“Dethklok Valentines,” said Toki, pointing at the screen. “Rights dere.”

With much fear and trepidation, Nathan clicked on the thumbnail, and watched as the little video came up. Toki and Nathan both stared in horror.

It was the five of them, all on Nathan’s bed, all in a suspiciously deep sleep. Nathan was in the middle, snoring, the blankets very low around his waist. On his head was wig of long golden curly hair, along with a wreath of pink roses. In his hands was a large white bow, wrapped in tiny pink and white flowers, crossed with a golden arrow with a big pink heart for a head. On either side of him were two of his bandmates, all face down, their butts up in the air, each wearing some sort of diaper-like white thing with fluffy fuzzy pink feathers around the legs and waist. Each was wearing a pair of little fluffy cherub wings, Roman-style sandals, and curly blonde wigs; even Skwisgaar, which struck Nathan as vaguely redundant, but it did lend a certain uniformity to the picture. Piled around them were tiny baby chickens, ducks, bunnies and kittens. Written across the four raised butts was ‘HAPPY VALENTINES FROM DETHKLOK’.

“So…” said Toki, “I nails da doors shuts while you is paints da window black, and we is nevers leaves dis rooms again.”

Nathan narrowed his eyes, raising his fist, clenching it so hard the nails drew blood.

“No. We prepare for Easter.”

“Easter? Easter nots metals, is all babies animals and pinks and… well da chocolates parts I like.”

Nathan nodded. “Everyone likes Easter chocolate. And every year Death Rider get their chocolate from a factory in Switzerland, made especially for them by master chocolatiers.”

Toki raised an eyebrow. “Ja, so?”

Nathan picked up the phone and called Ofdensen. “Uh… hi.”

“Well good morning. And what do you want?”

Nathan’s eyes glittered. “Toki and I would like to buy Alpine Meadow Chocolates in Basel, Switzerland.”

There was a pause. “Well, all right. I don’t see the harm in that. But when you’re five hundred pounds with your teeth falling out, don’t come crying to me.”

“Thanks.” Nathan hung up, smiling coldly. Toki cocked his head.

“So we owns chocolate shop, now whats?”

“Now when Death Rider put in their order for custom made chocolate guitars, bunnies, and eggs, we make sure that what they get is one hundred percent hand-made pure dark chocolate… laxatives.”

Toki’s eyes became huge. “Nat’an, you is… dat’s so… is brilliant! Dey bes crapping for a year!”

Nathan lay back on the bed, gently drawing Toki with him, looking immensely pleased with himself. He turned his attention to his companion, raising one eyebrow as he remembered they were both naked.

“Well… uh… it’s Valentine’s. Wanna… y’know… fool around?”

Toki looked around. “But Pickles an’ Skwisgaar an’ Murderface is here.”

Nathan reached out and took hold of Pickles’ wrist, raising it up and releasing it. The hand struck the bed with a thud.

“No they’re not.”

Toki shrugged, then smiled, eyes bright. “Okay. I has been traumatizes bys dat video, I needing lots of reassurance.”

“Thought so,” said Nathan and kissed him.