Crossover -
The Teletubbies’ Final Deth-Fantasy of Valinor

Rating: Somewhere between ‘WTF?’ and ‘OMFG!’
Category: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay AU
Pairing(s): Cid/Vincent, Erestor/Glorfindel, Toki/Skwisgaar.
Warnings: If the title isn’t enough of a deterrent, nothing I say here will be.
Summary: Two naughty Tubbies run afoul of some very angry husbands.
Notes:Not long ago I cut loose with a rant on my LJ wherein I said and I quote; “If I get a mad urge at three in the morning to do Toki/Vincent/Glorfindel slash with a side of Teletubbie, I will do that, too.”

I was then buried under requests by some delightfully sick people to see this. Well what the heck, I have no pride! However I did make up two new Tubbies for this ficlet just because I kinda couldn’t make myself pick on the canon ones. I’m pretty sure I would have been sucked straight to Hell if I had.

For those NOT familiar with Metalocalypse, the character Toki is really rather naïve and sweet and innocent. He sleeps with a teddy bear named Deddy Bear that has a little demon-tail, and he’s not especially bright. His buddy Skwisgaar isn’t a genius either, but you really wouldn’t want to have him mad at you….

The rant also inspired the first picture by Animama, which was done before the ficlet was written or posted.

Ever since they had become the only two Teletubbies in the history of Tubbyland to be forcibly expelled for disgraceful and indeed felonious behaviour, Notty-notty and Blow had been having a wonderful time learning about all sorts of new and magical things. Like GHB! That was wonderful stuff, and a quick way to make many new friends who didn’t mind at all being video taped while they took turns having sex with them. And being cute, small and fuzzy with an innocent baby-like face was a great way to get close to wary prey, though the spoon-shaped symbol on Blow’s head and the dildo-shaped one on Notty-notty’s tended to make some potential friends get up and leave. The best way to get new friends to play with them was to lure them back to their seedy shack… uh… make that magic playhouse in the woods, and offer them something to drink. And who would ever suspect a Tubbie? They were so cute and fuzzy and innocent!

You’d think the fetish gear, sacks of cocaine, and the bondage equipment scattered around the place would be a bit of a giveaway…

The first new friend they made this day had been a biiiiiiiiig Elven warrior on a grey horse. He had been easy to make friends with. When they offered him a glass of their magic water he had been so thirsty he drank it straight down. It was a good thing they got him to the bed before he collapsed. They certainly couldn’t have carried him. They were setting up the video equipment when another friend came by! He was tall and thin and pretty, with long black hair and red eyes. He was nervous and cautious, and had been less easy to trick; he was very wary and didn’t like them, but in the end their cute wee features and diminutive size won his trust enough to get him to accept some tea to warm himself with. Down he went! They put him beside the big Elf, and stood back to look at him.

“Are you sure we had to drug him?” asked Blow. “He’s wearing an awful lot of leather, and those claws and shoes sure as hell say ‘BDSM’ to me.”

“Just tie his ass up while I find a video tape we haven’t already filled with porn.”

Then the third friend had come by. He was slim with a lean, hard body, long brown hair, big blue eyes, and a Norwegian accent thick enough to make peanut butter look like a liquid. He told them he had wandered away from his home, which was a great big castle where he lived with his friends, and now couldn’t find his way back. He was the best friend of all because he just helped himself to the bottle of magic water that was resting on the stump outside the door. They didn’t have to trick him at all. Soon he was on the big cozy bed with the other two friends. The camera was set up, and Blow began changing into his special leather jock strap with the metal-studded cup.

“One thing’s for sure,” said Notty-notty. “We sure as hell couldn’t show this shit on our tummies back home!”

“Damn straight,” said Blow as he began arranging magical white pixie dust into lines on a mirror with a razor blade. He stopped and looked up when there came a knock at the door.

“What the fuck is up?” said Notty-notty. “Is there a sign pointing at our door? Bed’s full, asshole, come back tomorrow.”

Now Notty-notty thought he was very tough because back home in Tubbyland all the other Tubbies had been afraid of him. But what he did not know was there were many, many people in the world much tougher and meaner than he was, and that his new friends all had friends, too. Nor did he realize that their sleazy sex shack… uh… make that magic playhouse in the woods, was positioned right next to a liminal, were the veils between one world and another were thin, and beings could pass from one place to another. That was how he had managed to catch an Elven warrior, undead gunslinger, and Norwegian rock star all in one place. He also hadn’t realized that their friend with the long black hair was harder to drug than most people were, so when the knock came at the door, their new friend with the black hair and red cape raised his head and screamed.

“CID!”

There was all sorts of excitement! A big man dressed like an aviator kicked the door open with his boots and marched in, stinking of cigarettes and rage, armed with a huge lance. Blow stared, jaw hanging.

“Holy fuck, buddy, compensate much?”

Notty-notty smacked him. “Act cute, dumbass! We’re in deep crap here!”

The pilot stared at Blow with a sneer of disbelief on his face. “What in the name of the Life Stream are you?”

“I’m a Teletubbie,” he said, making full use of the power of ‘cute’.

The pilot seemed more repulsed than charmed. From behind him came a beautiful tall Elf with long black hair, clad in robes of black and silver velvet. He was so beautiful he made Notty-notty’s antenna tingle. He really, really wanted to make special friends with the pretty Elf, right there on the floor in a big puddle of baby oil.

“Care for some tea?” he asked cutely.

The Elf’s eyes narrowed. “You have my husband. I want him back. Deliver him unto me forthwith and depart these lands and I shall not call down the wrath of the First Born upon thee. For though I deem you evil, I should be loathe to raise arms against one so small.”

“You’re selling what now?” said Blow.

“He said give us back our husbands and get the hell out of here and we won’t kill you!”

“Now see that I understood,” said Blow.

“Admirably translated, Cid.”

“Why thank you, Erestor. Though I gotta say I’m not sure I could kill something so…”

“Repugnant?”

“Well I was gonna say ‘child-like’, but your word works, too.”

“I understand your reluctance. I too am hesitant to visit harm upon ones so diminutive, though clearly they are foul in nature and dark of heart.”

“So what do we do? We can’t just leave them here to do this to someone else! And I don’t trust them to leave on their own and stay away.”

A voice spoke behind them, one with a heavy Swedish accent.

“You is be leavings dat to me.”

Cid and Erestor stepped back, revealing a very tall, slim yet powerfully muscled man with long gold hair and deep set eyes burning like azure hellfire. He was wearing jeans and a black muscle shirt. His hands were long and well-defined from years of playing the guitar, and were currently clutching a huge medieval battle-axe. Blow and Notty-notty found themselves hoping the red stains on the blade were rust. He walked over to the pair of Tubbies and loomed over them, growling.

“You is hurt my Toki.”

Blow nudged Notty. “This one’s harder to understand than the other one!”

“Oh yeah, great idea, fuck-wit, mock the man’s accent when he’s looming over us with an axe!”

Cid looked at the huge blonde man. “You sure you can handle this, mister…?”

“Skwisgaar.”

“You sure you can handle this, Cigar?”

“Skwisgaar!”

“That’s what I said! Cigar!”

The blonde giant breathed steam at the Tubbies. They had their backs against the wall, eyes huge, trembling. There was a puddle of wee-wee around Blow’s feet. At last the pair understood that what they had always been told by the other Tubbies was all too true; their naughty mischief would one day land them in very big trouble. They just hadn’t realized that ‘Trouble’ was a six-foot rock-god with a battle axe and a Swedish accent. They clung to each other, eyes huge, knees trembling, the shadow of the great axe falling across them.

“I is handlings anyt’ing dot tries be hurtings my Toki.” The cold blue eyes narrowed as the axe was raised. “Maybes you is taking your husbands and leaving. I t’inks you is not likes to bes watching dis...”