Manor House
Chapter Four

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Cloud/Reno, Tifa/Barret, Aeris/Tseng, Zack/Sephiroth, Vincent/Cid, Reeve/Rufus, Yuffie/Elena.
Warnings: Little old ladies, worms.
Summary: Zack gets hexed, Sephiroth and Rufus speak of worms, Cid gets the shaft, and things are getting strange.
Notes: Song used is ‘The Truck Driving Song’ by Weird Al.

For those of you who are not familiar with the fearfully heavy and brutal ‘tommy gun’ of the 1930s, here's a photo.

When Zack awoke in the small room in Nibelheim’s lone inn, Vincent was gone.

He would have sworn he wasn’t tired. He had seated himself in the large old chair in order to keep an eye on Vincent, who had finally calmed down enough to have a nap. Without meaning to, Zack had nodded off, and now his charge had fled. He stared at the bed, eyes large and worried, hoping against hope that Vincent would somehow reappear.

Vincent didn’t.

“Oh Cid’s gonna kill me,” Zack whined. He went to the room phone and called the Valentine-Highwind household, seating himself on the bed. Serafina answered.

“Hello?”

“Mrs. Valentine, hi. Is by any chance Vincent there?”

“Why would my Vincent be here? He’s helping the gorilla clear monsters out of a house.” There was a pause, then the old lady’s voice dropped to a growl. “You lost my Vincent, didn’t you?”

“No I didn’t lose him, I just… don’t currently know where he is.”

“How can you lose my Vincent?!”

“I didn’t lose him! I just…”

“Listen, you. You better find my baby boy, or I hex you so hard your grandchildren feel the curse!”

Zack rolled his eyes and sighed. “Mrs. Valentine that nonsense may have worked in your homeland, but there is nothing you can do to convince me that you can hex anyone.”

“Oh you are in for it now, porcupine boy.”

“And what are you going to do?”

“You find out the next time you go play with the snowman. NOW FIND MY BABY!”

The old girl certainly had a talent. Zack leapt to his feet and saluted. “Yes ma’am.” He hung up and looked around. “Now if I were an emotionally disturbed undead gunslinger, where would I go?”

Nothing came to mind. Zack sighed heavily, pulled on his boots, grabbed his sword, and made his way downstairs. Damned vampire. Why did he have to watch him, anyway? Damn damn damn. He left the inn and looked around, then sighed in relief as he saw something standing atop a low hill, next to a dead apple tree. Zack sheathed his sword and made his way over to Vincent, climbing the hill. The grass on the hill was long and dry, and made a whispering sound against his boots as Zack walked, and grasshoppers scattered out of his way. He reached Vincent, coming to stand before him.

“Vincent?” he said quietly. “What are you doing out here?”

Vincent stared at the distant form of Shinra Manor. “They had to shoot it. The dog saw everything. They had to shoot it.”

“What dog?” asked Zack quietly.

Vincent said nothing further. Zack took his arm and began gently leading him away.

“Come on, let’s get you back to bed.”

“No. No I have to… go… somewhere. I… have to do something.”

Zack was becoming extremely worried. Vincent had always seemed a little distracted, but this was not ‘distracted’. This was delusional. He took out his cell phone and called Cid, but the call was not answered. Shit shit shit. He would just have to wait for Dr. Gaywell to get here.

“Come on, Vin, let’s just get you back to the inn…”

“No. I… I really have to go.”

“No you don’t,” said Zack, his tone gentle but firm. “Let’s just get you to bed, okay? All you need is some rest. Vincent? Come along now. You’re over-wrought. You’ll see. You’ll feel a lot better once…”

The wings came out so abruptly they knocked Zack over. Before he could recover, there was a loud ‘flap’ of leathery spans and a gust of wind. As Zack rose to his feet and dusted himself off, Vincent flew away like a great bat. Zack could do nothing save for watch him recede into the distance. He sighed heavily.

“Crap.”

***---***

“So is this how you pictured hell?” Rufus asked Sephiroth.

“I’m not speaking to you. I am cold, I am wet, and I am trapped in a tunnel with a veritable platoon of earthworms and… and… those twits!”

They were trapped in the lowest, darkest levels of the house, down in the subterranean warehouses where Deepground would currently be dwelling had some rat not completely messed with the canon. The elevator they had taken down to these levels had died a slow and painful demise delivering the four of them, and now they were stuck. To make matters worse, Barret and Cid had uncovered a case of wine, and were by now well into it. They were sitting together on the plank floor of the warehouse, arms around each other, each with a bottle of wine in their free hand, singing in deep, smooth baritones;

"I'm drivin' a truck,
Drivin' a big ol' truck,
Pedal to the metal, hope I don't run out of luck.
Rollin’ down the highway until the break of dawn,
Drivin’ a truck with my high heels on.

My diesel rig is northward bound,
It's time to put that hammer down,
Just watchin’ as the miles go flyin’ by.
I'm ridin’ twenty tons of steel,
But it's sure hard to hold the wheel,
While I'm still waiting for my nails to dry.

Oh, I always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror,
And my pink angora sweater fits so tight.
I'm jammin’ gears and haulin’ freight,
Well, I sure hope my seams are straight,
Lord, don't let my mascara run tonight.

Because I'm drivin’ a truck,
Drivin’ a big ol’ truck,
Smokey’s on my tail and my accelerator’s stuck.
Got these eighteen wheels a-rollin’ until the break of dawn,
Drivin’ a truck with my high heels on.

Oh, I don't mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me,
And my nipple rings don't bother me too much.
But when I hit those big speed bumps,
My darling little rhinestone pumps,
Keep slippin’ off the mother-lovin’ clutch.

But still I'm drivin’ a truck,
Drivin’ a big ol' truck,
Headin’ down the interstate, just tryin’ to make a buck.
Wearin’ feather boas with sequins and chiffon,
While I'm drivin’ a truck with my high heels on.

I'm drivin’ a truck,
Drivin’ a truck,
Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck.
And I'm late for my appointment down at my hair salon,
So I'll be drivin’ a truck with my high heels on."

“This is all your fault,” said Sephiroth.

“Mine?” said Rufus. “How can this possibly be my fault?”

“It’s your house. You should have maintained the elevator.”

“I had no idea this place even had an elevator!”

“It’s still your fault.” Sephiroth tossed his head, looking miffed. He then noticed something on the ground, and he drew his long legs up beneath him. “Damned worms are creeping up on me.”

“My dear fair warrior, it is a worm. It is small, and utterly helpless, and the only thing it wants is some plant matter to munch. Why you allow them to disturb you to such an extent is beyond me.”

Sephiroth stared at him coldly. “Have you ever been in battle, my dear Mr. Shinra?”

“No I can’t say that I have.”

“Well it goes without saying that I have, many times. As you said worms eat plant matter. Cotton, Mr. Shinra, is plant matter. Did you know that the little monsters, on rainy nights, will slither their cold horrid disgusting way into your tent, across the floor and into your kit to gnaw on the damp mouldering fabric of your uniform? Do you know how many mornings I woke up to find the little buggers in my clothes, in my bed, in my canteen, in every single thing I had? The happiest damned day of my military life was when I made General and could choose my own uniform. It’s no accident I chose leather. The little bastards won’t eat it.”

Sephiroth took the tip of his long blade, driving it into the mud before the tiny pink creature, flicking it away.

“Well,” said Rufus. “I confess I won’t look at them the same way again. But if we do not wish to stay amongst them then we had best plan a way to escape.”

“Someone could climb up the elevator shaft,” said Barret. He looked around. “Where’s Cloud, we always make him do the dumb shit.”

“Upstairs,” said Cid. “Anybody got a phone?”

Rufus pulled out his cell phone. “I do but it’s not working. How about yours, Barret?”

The large man took out his phone. “Nope. Mine’s not either.”

“Mine’s not,” said Cid.

“Then our only option is to climb the shaft,” said Sephiroth.

“I’ll do it,” said Cid.

“Cid don’t be absurd,” said Rufus. “It’s a long climb.”

“I’m the only one who can do it! Barret and Baby are too big, and too heavy. Baby is six hundred pounds with his modified muscles and bones, and Barret has the huge hunk of machinery on his arm.”

“Well I could go,” said Rufus.

“Please, Rufus, you get lost in your own office, I’m not sending you into a dark shaft to never be seen again. I’ll go. We’ve killed everything down here anyway, except for the rats.”

“The one with the cigar gave me the creeps,” said Barret.

“It wasn’t the cigar that bothered me, it was the hat and the iPod,” said Cid. He rose to his feet and walked over to the elevator, stepping into it. “Wonder if I could fix it?”

“If anyone could, you could,” said Barret.

“Damned rights,” said Cid. He examined the inside of the elevator, then used the tip of his lance to pop open the hatch in the ceiling. Leaping up, he caught hold of the sides of the opening and hauled himself through, emerging on the roof of the elevator. He shrieked.

“What’s the matter?” asked Barret.

“Some stunned sack of ground dog nuts used a p13 clamp up here instead an r88! What kind of fucking moron does that? It’s not even rated for this kind of a weight load! What moron built this dump?! Crap! All of it!” Cid began ripping things apart.

Barret sighed heavily. “Well we’re not getting out of here any time soon. Wine, Baby?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Rufus?”

“I have my own.”

Barret opened a bottle of wine and passed it to Sephiroth, looking around. “So what was this all built for?”

“Who knows,” said Rufus. “Looks like a combination warehouse and barracks. Father was probably setting up some sort of hidden base so Hojo could build more horrors. Neither of them ever did anything that wouldn’t give a rational man a severe case of stomach upset. Personally I don’t know how two people can be so ghastly.”

“You’ve done some pretty nasty stuff yourself,” said Barret.

“I never eradicated a slum full of innocent people to off a small group of activists,” snapped Rufus. “And there’s a lot of other things I didn’t do, either, among them throwing a little girl and her mother into a laboratory in order to pursue some half-baked theory. I’m not a nice man, Mr. Barret. I can’t afford to be. But I’m not a monster. And while I am at it, you have done some less than stellar things yourself.” Rufus looked towards the elevator. “Cid are you going for help?”

“I have to. I need my tool kit to fix this mess.” There was some ripping and banging. “These cables are wrong!! WHO BUILT THIS CRAP??” There was some more banging. “Shinra Construction Company, a division of Shinra Industries. Quality Warehouses for seventy years. Did ya catch that, Rufus?”

Rufus looked puzzled. “We never had a construction company. We do weapons, biomedical research, electricity and aeronautics. We never built so much as a tool shed.”

“Yeah I thought this looked suspiciously shoddy. So someone posing as Shinra? Seems pretty risky.” Cid poked around some more. “Hey, there’s a tunnel about ten feet above my head. Looks man-made. What’s going on around here?”

“Tunnel?” said Barret. “Who’s building tunnels in my house?”

“I don’t think this was your house when it went in. There’s got to be ten years worth of dirt and cobwebs built up. Hello spider, go crawl over there. Good boy.”

“How do you know it’s a boy spider?” said Rufus. “Could be a girl.”

“Nope. Not with those palps it ain’t no girl.”

Rufus closed his eyes. “I do not know what a palp is, I do not want to know. Can you see what the tunnel leads to?”

“Nope. No idea. I can go look.”

“Wait for us,” said Barret, rising to his feet. “If there’s something down there then I want to know about it!” He looked at Rufus. “You can say goodbye to that pretty white suit.”

“Oh goodness, however shall I ever be able to afford another one? Still I don’t want to get my coat filthy.” He took off his coat and hung it up, then shouldered his shotgun. He ran one long, elegant hand through his hair, and sighed. “It’s such a burden being as beautiful as I am.” He looked over at Sephiroth. “I’m sure you feel my pain.”

“Oh, I do. It’s an unspeakable agony.” Sephiroth looked down at Barret, his silky white hair falling over his ivory face. “You’re so lucky to be spared from such trials.”

Barret looked at the pair, his expression sour. “Up to my ears in jackasses,” he muttered, and began walking towards the elevator.

“On the other hand,” said Rufus, “he’s not without a certain animal charm.”

“And he does have a very nice ass,” said Sephiroth.

Barret jumped, turning abruptly. “You two quit checking out my ass!”

“Well we’d like to,” said Rufus. “But I’m afraid you’re just too hot.”

“Then you go on ahead of me!”

Rufus squeaked and hopped like a schoolgirl. “Oh goody, he’s going to check out my ass instead of me checking out his!”

“I AIN’T CHECKING OUT NO MAN’S ASS!!”

“You once checked out Cloud’s!” said Cid.

“He’d been stabbed and he thought the knife tip broke off!”

“That still counts as checking out a man’s ass,” said Cid.

“And that mesh shirt just screams ‘look at my nipples, big boy’,” said Rufus.

Barret’s left eye began to twitch as his teeth ground together loudly.

“Just get in the damned passage,” he growled.

“I just love it when a man invites me into his passage,” said Rufus, fluttering his eyelashes.

Barret exploded with much sputtering and ranting. Sephiroth and Rufus thought it prudent to simply scoot into the elevator as Barret stomped along after them, still muttering. Rufus pulled himself up onto the roof of the elevator, then moved aside to allow Sephiroth and Barret to come up.

“What do you see?” Rufus asked Cid.

“Nothing yet,” said Cid. “We need a light source.”

Rufus reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. The keychain happened to be a tiny flashlight. He flicked it on.

“Cute, isn’t it?” said Rufus.

“Adorable. You go first.”

Rufus pouted. “Tseng doesn’t make me go first.”

“I ain’t Tseng.” Cid swatted Rufus on the backside. “Get moving.”

The expression on Rufus’ face suggested that never in his life had anyone ever taken such liberties with his personage, and he couldn’t believe someone had now. He slowly swung his head towards Cid, narrowing his intense blue eyes, a tuft of strawberry blonde hair hanging down across his brow.

“Don’t ever do that again,” he said quietly and calmly, the underlying threat unmistakeable.

Cid studied the cold, brutal look in Rufus’ eyes, reminding himself this was a man who was rumoured to have had his own mother killed. He swallowed nervously.

“Okay.”

Satisfied, Rufus began making his way down the passageway, Cid, Barret, and Sephiroth following. They followed the short tunnel down to a small, hastily built room, and stared in confusion at what they found.

“Bricks?” said Rufus. “Why would someone want to go through all this trouble just to store bricks?”

Barret picked up one of the bricks, examining it. “These look like the same kind as me and Tifa found.”

“Found?” said Cid. “You mean you didn’t buy those bricks you used to repair the wall?”

Barret shook his head. “Uh-uh. We found a whole flat of them stored away in one of the rooms. Was a real stroke of luck, they match the wall with the hidden door perfectly.”

“Why would someone be storing bricks in this house?” said Rufus. “I don’t recall ordering any bricks, and if I had they wouldn’t be used.”

“Well then where did they come from?” asked Cid. “Someone went through a lot of trouble to take a load of second hand bricks and hide them in this house.”

“This one has a bullet hole in it,” said Rufus quietly as he picked up a brick.

What?” said Cid. “Bullet?”

Rufus showed him the brick he held. In the middle of it was clear indication that something had struck it hard enough to gouge out a hole.

“That certainly looks like a bullet strike to me,” said Rufus.

Sephiroth picked up a second brick, turning it over in his hands. “There appears to be a bullet mark on this one as well. And some sort of stain. It’s very faint.”

Rufus directed the beam of the small flashlight onto the brick. “It is stained, but it’s hard to tell with what.”

“Blood would be my guess,” said Barret. He shuddered. “That’s creepy. Why would someone store those here? I mean… they look really old.”

“Well I’m going up to get Cid’s tools,” said Sephiroth. He set down the brick he held and began walking back to the elevator shaft.

“And just how the hell are you going to do that?” asked Cid.

Sephiroth smiled slightly, walking out of the passageway and hopping down onto the roof of the elevator. As Cid, Barret and Rufus watched, Sephiroth gazed up the long shaft, gauging the distance. Then he leapt, shooting straight up like a missile.

“I keep forgetting he can do things like that,” said Barret.

“Won’t work,” said Cid.

“Why not?” asked Rufus.

“I told you, he’s six hundred pounds. The inner structure of this elevator is too old and weak. He’s gonna get to the top, grab onto the edge of the door frame, the beams will come away, and his perfectly modified ass will come flying back down like a bomb, landing on the elevator and destroying it.”

Barret and Rufus stared at Cid as he lit a cigarette. Seconds later they heard a distant scream, quickly growing louder, approaching exceedingly fast. Sephiroth plummeted past them, striking the elevator with an explosion of sparks and debris, turning it into a heap of splinters and scrap metal. Cid walked to the entrance of the tunnel and peered down.

“Y’okay there Baby?”

Sephiroth coughed. “Just peachy.”

“Ah you’re okay,” said Cid. “You’ll feel better once you get that worm out of your hair.”

***---***

“Who besides me has a headache?” said Yuffie.

“Me,” muttered Elena.

“Aww…” said Yuffie, suddenly all doe eyes and sympathy. “Want me to rub your shoulders?”

“No,” said Elena, smiling slightly. “Because every time I let you we end up naked and doing funny things to each other.”

“So what’s your point?”

“I don’t think Nancy wants to watch.”

“Sure she does!” said Yuffie. “Don’t you, Nancy?”

“I’m completely indifferent,” said Nancy. “Do whatever makes you happy.”

“Awesome!” enthused Yuffie.

“Not in public!” growled Elena.

“Oh like we never did it in public.”

Elena froze in mid-motion just as she was about to place a glass petal on a white rose, her eyes blinking as she absorbed Yuffie’s comment.

“We never did it in public.”

“Sure we did. At the last Lemon War. Remember? Not the one where Charon tried to burn down the pub but the one at Rude’s apartment.”

Elena closed her eyes and winced, making a quiet sound of distress. “I was really hoping I had dreamed that.”

“Nope.”

“Terrific.” Elena sighed. She picked up a piece of glass and studied it. “I think I just found a yellow penis.”

Nancy glanced up. “Oh that’s the stamen I’ve been looking for! Pass it.”

Elena handed Nancy the piece of glass, while Yuffie located another piece of the swan she was rebuilding. The window was nearly assembled once more. Soon it would be ready for the lead to hold the pieces in place. However one of the main focal points of the window, an exquisitely made hummingbird, was broken into three parts.

“Can we fix him?” asked Yuffie, poking at the hummingbird.

“Well,” said Nancy, “I was thinking about using tiny amounts of clear silicon to fit the pieces back together and then setting him back in place. With luck the cracks will be hardly noticeable. Then hopefully once we are done Yuffie won’t be upsetting anymore war heroes.”

“I was having an off day.”

Elena smiled. “Throwing a worm at Sephiroth is not an off day, babe. It’s attempted suicide. You know Tseng and Reno used to work with him back before things went to shit.”

“Yeah I heard. Must have been impressive to see the three of them in action,” said Yuffie.

“Apparently it was. Especially after they’d been into the tequila. Here’s a riddle for you; where do three genetically engineered First Class soldiers sleep off a bender?”

“Any damned place they like?” suggested Yuffie.

“Yup. Once Tseng found them curled up inside a mako reactor down near the core.” Elena pushed a piece of glass into position. “It’s warm in there.”

“Warm?!” exclaimed Nancy. “Those cores are hundreds of degrees!”

“Thousands, actually,” said Elena. “Anyway Tseng couldn’t reach them so he had to wait for them to wake up. Then he got to find out what happens when you combine liquid mako with tequila puke.”

“Puke materia?” said Nancy.

Yuffie’s expression was one of utter disgust. “Oh, man! That’s one piece of materia that even I wouldn’t take!”

Elena was laughing as she nodded. “Yup. Had no practical use whatsoever, but was a lot of fun at parties.”

“Eyew!” said Yuffie. “You have a strange definition of fun! So what happened to it?”

“Oh it’s still Turk property. It’s in the materia locker down at the headquarters. No one uses it, but it’s still there.”

“Gross-ness!” said Yuffie.

There was silence for a brief time. Then Nancy sat back. “Okay, I admit it, I really want to see what puke materia does.”

Elena and Yuffie laughed. The door to the room opened, and Tifa walked in carrying a large tray.

“I thought you could do with some lunch,” she said.

“Oh, absolutely!” said Elena, setting down the piece of glass she held.

Tifa walked over to the group, placing the tray on the floor and seating herself. “Wow, you nearly have that window completed! I didn’t think it could be fixed. When I saw it in pieces on the floor I thought it was gone forever.”

“How is the monster hunt going?” asked Nancy, helping herself to a sandwich.

“Seems to be going well. Cloud and Nanaki have gone through the main part of the house and the surrounding area, and Cid, Barret, Rufus and Sephiroth are prowling the lower levels.”

“And Cait?” asked Yuffie.

“Helped make the sandwiches.”

“Oh yum, kitty paws and tuna, my favourite,” said Elena. “How’s Vincent?”

“Last time I checked Zack said Vincent was asleep,” said Tifa. “But that was a few hours ago.”

“We should take him home,” said Yuffie. “This house is really messing with him.”

“It’s messing with all of us,” said Tifa. “Ever since Barret and I mended the wall. There is something very strange going on here. If Teddy wasn’t so sick I’d ask him to come down.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” said Elena.

“Oh we can’t go get Teddy,” said Tifa. “He’s resting up for his operation! He’s far too weak.”

“Can we go to Teddy?” asked Yuffie. “Can he do a reading on a place that’s far away?”

“I don’t know. We can’t use our cell phones to call Costa del Sol.”

Yuffie rolled her eyes. “Great. Cid can call rocks stars on a distant planet, but we can’t phone through a mountain.”

“I’ll go to the inn after lunch and call,” said Nancy. “I want to see how Aeris is doing anyway. She must be ready to…” Nancy suddenly stopped speaking, her eyes becoming large as she focused on something in the hall through the open door.

“What is it?” said Tifa.

“Thought I saw something,” said Nancy quietly. “A glimpse of white.”

“White?” said Yuffie. “Was it Rufus?”

Nancy shook her head. Elena rose to her feet and walked out of the room, stepping into the hall and looking around. “I don’t see anything.” She cleared her throat and called “Is anyone there?”

They heard no answer.

“I think I hear movement in the entranceway,” she said quietly.

Yuffie, Tifa and Nancy got to their feet and went into the hall, listening.

“There’s definitely someone moving around out there,” said Nancy.

Elena began walking towards the entranceway, followed closely by Tifa, Yuffie and Nancy. They stepped into the large room, and paused, staring in surprise at the lone figure in the room. It was a small man, dressed in a manner unseen for decades; a long white coat with a white fur collar, fedora with a black band, and black shoes with white spats. He was wearing black gloves, and had a Thompson Submachine gun, better known as a tommy gun, slung over one shoulder. He was lighting a cigarette, and he did not seem aware of the four women watching him.

“Who is that?” whispered Nancy.

“The ghost of Machine Gun Kelly?” suggested Yuffie.

Tifa just shook her head. They watched as the man lit his cigarette, dropping his match to the floor, spying something as he did so. He turned slightly to look at whatever it was, revealing what he was wearing beneath the coat. It was a ‘30’s style double breasted pinstripe suit.

“Well isn’t he just dressed to kill,” said Elena dryly.

“I wish he would look up,” said Tifa. “I can’t see his face.”

The man drew on his cigarette, then lowered it, exhaling a cloud of smoke. At last he raised his head, and all four stared in shock and recognition.

“It’s Vincent!” said Tifa.

“Why is he smoking?” asked Yuffie. “Vincent doesn’t smoke! And what…?” Her jaw dropped. “He cut his hair off!”

Tifa stepped forward. “Vincent? Vincent are you feeling okay? I thought you were back at the inn.”

Vincent gave no indication that he saw or heard Tifa. He checked his gun, then began walking slowly towards the stairs, his step measured and purposeful, his eyes cold.

“Vincent?” said Tifa, but again she received no response. Vincent simply kept on his way, walking up the long staircase to the second level, making his way to the room with the rebuilt wall. There he stopped, staring at the brickwork. Tifa walked up behind him, worried and a little afraid.

“Vincent?” she whispered.

She stepped forward to touch his arm, but quickly changed her mind and retreated down the hall as Vincent suddenly brandished the large and ugly weapon with the practiced ease of one long accustomed to its weight and began spraying bullets.