Manor House
Chapter One

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Cloud/Reno, Tifa/Barret, Aeris/Tseng, Zack/Sephiroth, Vincent/Cid, Reeve/Rufus, Yuffie/Elen
Warnings: None this chapter. (does that mean I should add a 'no mpreg' warning? - pebt)
Summary: Loz is hanging around, Barret finally figures out what Cerberus has against him, and Tifa shows there’s more than one way to skin a tiger.
Notes: Here we go, folks! My first haunted house story!

This chapter is illustrated by Animama

“He’s not pregnant,” said Dr. Gaywell.

Angeal breathed out a sigh of relief, sinking back into Cloud’s sofa as Genesis fussed over his diminutive son. Charon stood beside his father’s chair, silent and wrapped in darkness, white eyes glowing softly. Phoenix looked green and morose, but he seemed relieved at the news.

“Well what’s the matter with him?” Angeal asked.

“Oh it’s a fairly typical ailment among teens,” said Dr. Gaywell as she began busily putting her instruments away into her black satchel that all doctors seemed to have. “It’s called too much pizza and sugar, and not nearly enough rest coupled with sneaking a bit of whatever is in the liquor cabinet. But he’s not pregnant.” She smiled as she reached out to smooth down Phoenix’s long red hair. “And I don’t want you getting pregnant by Loz, even when you’re both all grown up.”

“Why not?” asked Phoenix.

“Because he’s too big, and you’re too little, and if you don’t understand what’s wrong with that combination, then ask Vincent.”

Phoenix pouted prettily. Meanwhile Loz, who was currently bound in chains and dangling by his feet from a ceiling beam, dared to speak up.

“Can I come down now?”

“No,” said Angeal.

“Aww...”

“You can just dangle there until I know you won’t be putting anything in my son that may potentially lead to something so frightfully stupid that the vortex between its ears could destroy us all.”

“Huh?”

“If you ever have sex with my son again I will feed you your own testicles.”

“Eyew! Meanie!”

Phoenix rolled his eyes. “Well how do we know I can even get pregnant?”

“We can’t take the chance,” said Genesis. “We’re not like other people. I’m not even sure we count as human.”

“Well who wants to be human?” huffed Phoenix. “Being human is dull. But… if I’m not human then I wouldn’t really know would I? I mean if I’m not human I wouldn’t know if being human is dull. But it looks dull. I’m glad I don’t have to do it.” Pause. “What were we talking about?”

Angeal sighed and shook his head, then reached out to take Phoenix’s hand briefly, squeezing it. “Ready to go home?”

“Yeah,” said Phoenix, smiling.

“Home?!” said Loz. “But… I’ll never see you again.”

“You can come visit,” said Phoenix.

“No I can’t, your dad hates me.”

“I don’t hate you, Loz,” said Angeal. “I just don’t want you breeding with my son.”

“Oh. Can I come down now?”

“No.”

“Meanie.”

Loz dangled while Genesis and Phoenix set about packing, Reno and Cloud watching from their place on the couch.

“Where will you go?” asked Cloud. “I though Charon levelled your house.”

“He did,” said Angeal, scowling at his son. Charon tried to look innocent but it simply wasn’t working.

“I wasn’t feeling well,” he said.

“Uh-huh,” said Angeal, grinning. He reached out and pulled Charon into his lap, despite the fact that the boy was nearly the same height as his father and still dwelled within a strange dark aura. “Well I think it would be a good idea to build our new house someplace a little more accessible to other people, since Gen is better and we don’t have to hide anymore.”

“Where would that be?” asked Cloud.

“Zack wants us closer,” said Angeal, “so does Sephiroth, and I have to admit I really like the idea of having them both back in my life. So we’re going to build our new place at the bottom of the hill. I think it would be good for Phoenix and Charon to spend some time around other kids.”

“You’re not going to make me go to school, are you?” asked Charon, looking over his shoulder at his father.

“I ought to,” said Angeal, “but I have a hard time figuring out how we make you and your white skin, red lips, black hair and freaky glowing white eyes blend into a crowd.”

Charon puckered his lips. Angeal gave him a quick little kiss.

“Cute kid,” said Cloud dryly.

“Yup,” said Angeal, hugging him. “Beats a goldfish any day.”

Cloud glowered at Angeal, who just grinned.

“Can I come down now?” asked Loz.

“No,” said Angeal.

“Meanie.”

***---***

Barret stood in Cid and Vincent’s livingroom, gazing at Cerberus. The great triple barrelled handgun with the silver amulet dangling by a fine chain from the handle was locked into a glass display case; easily viewed and accessible, but well out of the reach of small hands.

He stared at the beautifully crafted and filigreed weapon sourly, still clinging to the opinion that he formed so very long ago; that the enormous gun did not like him. But that was stupid, wasn’t it? Cerberus was nothing more than inlaid metal and wood. It couldn’t think, or feel, and it certainly couldn’t hold a grudge.

Tifa came to stand beside Barret, taking hold of his arm. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s a real pretty piece all right. Can’t figure out why it hates me.”

Tifa giggled. “Barret, Cerberus is just a gun, it can’t hate you.”

“It hates me. I’m the only black person here and I’m the only person it snaps at! That gun is a racist!”

“Oh it is not!” said a voice behind them. Cid came to stand beside the pair. “It’s a hand gun, a beautifully crafted hand gun. Nothing more. And I can prove it.”

Barret watched as Cid fished a key out of his pocket and unlocked the hardwood case. He felt a knot of nervousness in his throat.

“Cid, I don’t think…”

“It’s not loaded, and it can’t fire the way it is now,” said Cid, lifting the glass cover to take out the weighty gun. “It’s got some fancy-ass firing pin setup that I don’t understand; Vincent takes it out before he puts it away. It’s not going off the way it is now no matter what you do to it.” He held the gun out, offering it to him. “Here.”

Barret backed away as if Cid was offering him a handful of earthworms. Tifa however accepted the weapon happily.

“Oh I love this gun,” she said. “I always wanted to look at it but I never thought Vincent would let me.”

“I didn’t know you liked guns,” said Cid.

“I don’t, but Cerberus is different. It’s so old, and beautiful. Like something from another age. I adore this gun. Look at the inlay in the barrel, it’s that fantastic? It’s some kind of flowering vine.”

“Where?” said Cid, moving closer.

“There,” said Tifa, running one fingertip down the metal. “See? It’s faded but it’s lovely.”

“Oh yeah, I see now. Pretty faint. Looks like gold, maybe.”

“I think it is. Barret what do you think?”

Barret stepped closer, and the hammers on the old gun snapped. There was no denying it; they all heard the loud click.

“That’s it!” said Barret. He looked around, then called loudly “Teddy!”

“Shhh!” said Cid. “No yelling for the hippie, he’s not well.”

Barret winced. “Right, forgot! Sorry, man!”

“How is Teddy?” asked Tifa.

Cid shrugged. “About as well as a man can be after a massive coronary. I knew all that granola would catch up with him. Never trust anything a squirrel would eat. For that matter, never trust a squirrel. C’mon, let’s go see how he is. Tifa bring Cerberus, let’s see if we can’t find out why that gun hates Barret.”

They went up to Teddy’s room, reaching the second floor room. Cid opened the dark hardwood door with the gleaming brass handle and peered into the gloom, smelling the scent of incense and strange herbs.

“Teddy? You awake?”

“Hi Cid,” said a quiet voice.

“Hey, how you feeling?”

“Awful.”

The trio walked quietly into the large room that formed Teddy’s tiny apartment. Teddy was not a man who required much, so the big chamber was all he needed. It had room for his easel, his computer, and his few belongings. It also had huge windows perfectly suited for growing small trees and bizarre plants, which filled the window box. As the small group entered they heard greeting trills and whistles from the tiny, delicate dragon-like creature in one of the small trees. The trio had encountered enough Flapbeats during the course of their travels to have acquired a healthy respect, and even a fair amount of dislike, for the little beasts. But this one had lived with Teddy since it was a hatchling, and had no idea it was a potentially dangerous monster. Teddy did not believe in keeping pets, but Fairy had been born with a crippled wing and couldn’t fend for himself. Therefore he spent his days living in Teddy’s room, singing out the window to his flying counterparts and fertilizing the plants. Tifa picked him up, and he immediately proceeded to romance her, stretching out his long neck, bobbing his tiny head, and singing as he perched on the back of her hand.

“Oh aren’t you sweet!” she cooed to him.

“Ah he does the same thing when I fill his treat cup,” said Cid.

Tifa sighed and rolled her eyes. “Cid, why do we put up with you?”

“’Cause I’m fucking adorable.” He seated himself on the edge of the bed, smiling at Teddy. “Where’s that boyfriend of yours? He’s supposed to be looking after you.”

Teddy smiled weakly. He was frail and grey, and definitely looked like a man who had just suffered a massive coronary. He reached out to pat the lump under the covers beside him. “He’s here. He’s making sure there are no monsters under the blankets.”

David snorted and shifted in his sleep.

“How did Rufus bring him back?” asked Barret.

“No idea,” said Teddy. “I’ve been too busy being sick. You’ll have to ask Rufus. So…” He turned his head to look at Barret. “You came to learn the mystery of Cerberus.”

“Yeah! I mean why does that damned gun hate me?”

“Pass him here.”

Tifa walked over to Teddy, Fairy balanced on her right hand, and passed Cerberus to him handle first. Teddy accepted the old gun, and turned it over in his hands, smiling.

“Well… you’re right. He does hate you.”

Barret threw up his hands in victory.

“BOO YAH! I knew it! Now what does the rotten little fink have against me?”

Teddy smiled weakly, stroking the gun, reading the images it gave him. “Well…. he’s a product of his generation. He’s four hundred years old and really very arrogant. You’re a coal miner and surveyor. He frankly thinks you don’t have any business touching him. And he would do the same thing to Cloud and Reno as well. They’re hired muscle. Absolutely beneath him. He’s not crazy about Tifa either but it’s not proper to snap at a lady. He doesn’t like Aeris, or Yuffie, and as for Cid… he only puts up with you because Vincent loves you. Frankly he thinks the bunch of you are unwashed low-lifes. Oh and he doesn’t like me, either.”

“Good grief!” said Tifa. “Well why does he like Vincent?”

“Well he seems to be under the impression Vincent is some sort of nobility; a knight on a just quest. Vincent also a very skilled marksman and has a lot of knowledge about guns. To be fair, Cerberus is very special. The steel that makes up his barrels came from the glaive-blades of Dragon Knights, and the petrified wood for his handle came from trees that first sprouted fifteen thousand years ago near the City of the Ancients. The gold filigree isn’t gold at all; it’s a strange kind of bronze, infused with meteoric iron and dragon’s blood. And the wolf heads on the barrels were made by royal artisans. He’s definitely got an attitude, but he’s got the bloodlines to back it up.”

“Well there ya go, Barret!” said Cid. “The gun doesn’t hate you because you’re black, it hates you because you’re a peasant!”

“Oh that just makes me feel so much better. Well at least it hates you too. Damned gun. Wonder if Vincent would notice if we melted it down?”

“Oh yeah,” said Cid. “He’d notice and then he would turn into something that suitably expressed his displeasure. And speaking of pissing Vin off, we better get his baby back to bed.” He took the gun from Teddy, then dipped to kiss his head. “Y’need anything?”

Teddy shook his head. “Nah, I just need to rest. If I do need anything I’ll poke David, though frankly he seems to need his rest, too.”

“Well being dead for a while takes a lot out of you,” said Cid. “Trust me on that, I spent a year dead.”

Teddy smiled. “Night Cid.”

“Night there short stuff.”

Tifa put Fairy back on his tree, and the trio left the room, quietly closing the door after them. Tifa of course couldn’t help but worry.

“Poor Teddy looks so weak.”

“He’ll look better after the triple bypass,” said Cid.

Barret winced. “Damn, man! Poor little guy!”

“Triple bypass?!” said Tifa. “He’s barely in his thirties!”

“Thirty-two. Doesn’t smoke, ‘cept for a little pot on the weekends, has a bit of wine now and then, stays away from meat, grease, fat, starch, bacon, white sugar and processed food. And his arteries are a total clogged mess.” Cid just shook his head, then stuck a cigarette in his mouth and lit it. “Granola, man. Take it from me, that shit will kill you.”

Tifa and Barret exchanged glances, then Barret raised an eyebrow.

“Cid… the only way you’re gonna die is to be beaten to death.”

“I ain’t dying,” he said as the three made their way down the wide, carpeted stairs. “I can’t die. I gotta stay an’ look after my baby. Besides that I got shit to do, places to go! The kids will be grown one day, me an’ Vin are gonna travel around the world a few times them make a new batch. There’s my beautiful baby now.”

Cid reached the bottom of the stairs and walked to the small, slender figure standing in the livingroom, taking Vincent’s small face between his hands as he kissed him. Tifa took hold of Barret’s arm and gazed up at him.

“Aren’t they a cute couple?”

Barret made a face. “Well Vincent almost counts as cute.”

“Come on, admit they’re cute.”

“No.” He watched as Tifa put Cerberus back in the case and closed the glass door, slipping the padlock back on. “I’m tired of being the only straight man in the group.”

“Tseng’s straight.”

“Not with hair down to his ass he ain’t.”

“Well then where did Aeris get the two kids from?”

“Black market.”

“Oh Barret you are so full of it!”

He grinned. “I thought that’s what you liked about me!”

“That and the cute way you rant about anything and everything.”

“I ain’t cute!”

She hugged him tightly. Barret just sighed. “Well there goes my image down the toilet.”

“Oh you love me and you know it.”

“You’re right. I do. It’s the only reason I let you talk me into moving into that creepy old barn.”

Tifa looked up at him, huge brown eyes worried. “But you like the house, don’t you?” she asked in a worried little voice.

Barret rolled his eyes. Poor Tifa. Ingrained somewhere in her genetic makeup was an overwhelming urge to make everyone on the planet happy, and rarely sparing a thought for herself. She never asked anything of anyone. She had long ago decided that her job on the planet was to see everyone well and content. But Barret had lived with and loved Tifa for many years now. And the only time she showed any sign of breaking was when someone else in this demented little family became pregnant. Then she went into the basement and started making beer – a lot of beer. Beer enough to soak most of Midgar. She would keep it up until she was exhausted, then would go to bed, and collapse, sleeping for days until she could face the fact that her male friends were making babies and that she could not. But she still never talked about it, never complained once that the cut Sephiroth had dealt her had taken away her ability to be a mother. The only damned thing she had ever asked anyone for was that rancid old mansion, covered in black mould and a blacker past. And there was no way in hell Barret was taking it from her.

“I love the house, you know that,” he lied.

“Really?” she asked, looking at him with those huge wet Bambi eyes.

“Really,” he assured her, offering a silent prayer the place burned to the ground. “But I’ll like it better once we get all those tunnels blocked off.”

“Me too,” she admitted, slipping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his huge chest. “Well that’s what we came here to ask about, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is. Well let’s get the family rounded up and ask them for help.”

“Okay,” she said, and looked up at him, smiling. She rose up onto her toes to kiss him, and Barret was glad to know he could bring some joy to this woman who endured so much and asked for nothing in return. He sure as hell liked the way she was packaged, but the inside was pretty damned fine, too.

They walked into the livingroom to find Aeris and Tseng seated on the couch watching Vincent and Cid have an argument. Tifa took Barret’s hand and guided him over to the couch, joining Aeris and her husband. Cid was a ranter, though he was rarely truly angry. But when Vincent was angry the very warmth seemed sucked from the air. He was cold as an ice storm, and while no one had any idea what he was upset about, he was clearly not to be moved on the subject.

“You’re not doing it,” said Vincent with finality.

Cid stared at Vincent in open astonishment. This was the second time in his life he had heard Vincent say ‘no’, but it was the first time he’d ever heard Vincent say it to him. And he wasn’t sure he liked it.

“Baby… I really don’t think this is your call.”

The temperature lowered. Tifa and Aeris exchanged frightened glances, able to see their breath in the air. Upstairs in her room, Ifalna watched in puzzlement as Capey-cape retreated to a corner and was still.

“Vincent…”

“You are not doing it and that is the end of it, and if you go ahead and do it anyway then I am packing up the kids and leaving.”

Cid’s jaw dropped and his eyes grew large. “You have got to be shitting me.”

“I’m not. Cid I love you but if you do this then I am gone.”

“But...!”

“End of discussion.”

Vincent silently walked away, leaving Cid floundering in the middle of the livingroom.

“He’s very intense, isn’t he?” said Tseng quietly from his place on the couch.

“Very,” said Cid. “He’s like water. He just flows on his own quiet way, until he comes to something he doesn’t like. Then he’ll toss you down a cliff and shatter you.”

“What was he upset about?” asked Tifa.

Cid stood gazing in the direction of the stairway Vincent had just gone up. “I… ah… sort of admitted I’d been thinking about talking Baby out of a vial of blood.”

“Damn, man!” said Barret. “And do what with it?”

“Use it to give myself the ability to fly, what else? What’s wrong with that?”

“I think he likes you the way you are,” said Tifa.

“Well I wouldn’t be any different!”

Cid went after Vincent, heading up the stairs and down the hall that led to their bedroom. He entered the large dark chamber, and found Vincent lying on his side on the bed, facing away from Cid. He did not move as Cid entered the room and closed the door.

“Vincent,” began Cid.

“I’m not backing down on this one, Cid. I can’t.”

“Can you at least tell me why?”

Vincent slowly sat up, and turned to look at Cid. “Because it could take you from me forever. Cid those chemicals are dangerous. In most cases there is some, if not a complete, change of personality. It’s like I said the day you and I went flying. Sephiroth, Genesis, Angeal, Cloud all changed, that is four out of the six genetically altered friends we have. I can’t take the chance. And if you react badly to it you could die on the spot, leaving me alone. Please Cid, I’ve lost too much.”

Cid shuffled his feet, looking hurt. When he spoke his voice was quiet.

“What about what I lost? Why doesn’t anyone think that’s important?”

“It is important,” said Vincent gently.

He rose from the bed and walked over to Cid, taking his hands and kissing him softly, lingering in the close warmth. Then he placed his head on his chest, closing his eyes as he sank against him.

“It is important,” Vincent repeated firmly. “But you’re important too. If you died tomorrow I could perhaps find a reason to go on. But to see the light die in your eyes and become a stranger… there would be no going on for me. I would stay for the children but I would be dead inside.”

Cid put his arms around Vincent, holding him tightly. “I just see it as such a gift.”

“It is, but it’s not cheaply bought. It could cost you absolutely everything you have. And I don’t want to lose you.”

“Is there anyway to find out how it could affect me?”

“Not without shooting it into you.”

“Crap. I wanna fly like you do!”

“Well short of sitting on my back, that’s not going to happen. And I seriously doubt that Chaos could lift the both of us.”

Cid grinned and nuzzled him. “You’re so damned cute when you have wings. I love the way you skip along like a great big bird.”

“Cid you think everything I do is cute.”

“That’s because everything you do is cute. You’re even cute when you’re pissed off.” Cid kissed him, then sighed heavily. “Well that’s one more dream down the crapper.”

“Cid I’m so sorry. I just don’t want to lose you. I lost you once already. I’m not letting it happen again.”

“It won’t happen. If you’re scared it’ll turn me into something then I won’t do it.” He kissed him again. “But I expect you to wear the cowboy outfit later tonight.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Oh why not?”

Vincent rose up on his toes to kiss Cid, eyes playful. He reached down to give the bulge in Cid’s pants a brief, gentle squeeze before walking away. “Someone tore it to shreds trying to get it off me.”

Cid winced as the hand softly caressed him, uttering a quiet sound of want. “Yeah that’s right, I did. What one do we have left?”

“The pirate outfit and the gangster outfit.”

“Oh yeah, pirate. Definitely pirate. Can’t we do that now?”

“Not with company downstairs,” said Vincent, amusement in his quiet voice.

Cid watched him walk away, the slender body swaying, the long black hair falling down his back, the small firm butt squeezed into the leather pants. As Vincent opened the door, he suddenly felt a hand grab his hair and haul him back into the bedroom before the door was kicked shut.

“Fuck company,” said Cid.

Downstairs, Tifa, Barret, Aeris and Tseng all looked up as Vincent uttered an odd little squeak just before the door slammed.

“Is that what I think it was?” asked Barret.

“The mating yip of the black-breasted Valentine,” said Aeris. “We hear it about two or three times a day. Sometimes five. Current record stands at eleven. But that was a special occasion. Cid had just bought a new airship.”

“Poor Vincent,” said Tifa.

From upstairs there came a low throaty growl that seemed to vibrate the floorboards, the sound of small objects being swept aside, the flap of monstrous wings, and finally Cid’s voice.

“Watch the fangs ya dipstick!”

“I don’t feel sorry for either of them,” grumbled Barret. “Anybody like a beer?”

“Me!” said Aeris. She grinned and waved as she saw a tall figure walk into the large livingroom. “Hi Baby! Hi Zack! Oh and there’s Cloud and Reno! It’s a party!”

“Especially upstairs,” remarked Tseng as something thumped loudly.

“What brings you guys here?” asked Aeris.

“Tifa said she and Barret had a favour to ask of all of us,” said Cloud. He looked over his shoulder towards the door as Yuffie barged in, followed by Nanaki, who had been sleeping on the porch.

“Now all we need is the cat,” said Barret. He glowered as a small form walked by, tail waving. “Hello Reeve.”

The cat waved.

“You’re a sick man.”

“I just build the talking cats,” said Cait in his lilting accent. “You are the one that actually talks to them.”

Barret grumbled and went to get beer. A few minutes later Cid came downstairs, looking very pleased with life, smelling of sweat and musk.

“Hey it’s a full house!”

Sephiroth tossed his head and looked offended. “Cid if you’re going to fuck like a rabbit the least you can do is bathe periodically.”

“I save it up just for you, beautiful. So what’s this big favour you wanted to ask us, Tifa?”

She waited until Vincent came downstairs, damp and smelling of sandalwood soap and taking a seat on Cid’s lap. She glanced nervously over at Barret, who smiled at her encouragingly. She cleared her throat, nervously crossing her legs at the ankles as he perched demurely on one arm of the sofa.

“Well, as you know, Rufus was nice enough to give me Shinra Manor. I mean… I’m really just the archivist but… the place is basically mine.”

“Lucky you,” said Sephiroth dryly.

“Anyway,” said Tifa, “it’s still… a wee bit haunted.”

“A wee bit?” said Cid.

“More than a wee bit,” she admitted. “In fact… sort of a lot. Anyway… Barret and I were hoping… that…” She pulled worriedly at her fingers. “We could talk you guys into helping us clear out the tunnels and such?”

“No,” said Sephiroth.

“No way,” said Zack.

“Not a chance,” said Vincent.

“Are you out of your mind?” said Cloud.

“But…!” Tifa never had a chance to finish before Sephiroth was on his feet in full snit.

“How can you even ask that of us? Do you not remember what happened in that house to us? I lost my mind, Vincent was murdered, and Cloud and Zack were stuck in tanks and experimented on. And even if none of that had happened, do you honestly expect us to go into those wet tunnels? Need I remind you that there are worms down there?”

“Worms?!” said Tifa. “You’re worried about worms?! I’ve personally seen what you did to a thirty foot high Midgar Zolom. You impaled it on a dead tree that was still upright and in the ground. And you’re in hysterics over a little harmless earthworm?!”

“They are not harmless, they are vile disgusting little slithering horrors. And who knows what they’re capable of in great enough numbers?”

The group assembled in the room just stared at him. Cid of course was the first to speak.

“You’re still not quite right in the noggin’, are ya, Sephy?”

“They plot. I know they plot. I’m not sure what, yet, but it can’t be good.”

“The truly sad thing,” said Cloud, “is he’s just like he was before the breakdown.”

Sephiroth was implacable. “I AM NOT GOING INTO ANY PLACE THAT IS WET AND DARK AND HAS WORMS!”

“Ah you’ve been inside Zack plenty of times,” said Cid dismissively. Aeris covered her mouth, but not quickly enough to stop beer from shooting out her nose.

“You okay hon?” asked Tseng.

“No! Lordy that’s painful! I need a hankie.”

As Aeris went in search of tissue, Zack rose from the chair and walked over to his distraught lover, gently soothing him as he had in days past. Cloud could not help but grin as he watched a scene straight out of happier times.

“It’s okay,” said Zack gently. “No need to upset yourself, no one is going to make you do anything you don’t want to.”

“She wants me in the tunnels under the house! Do you have ANY idea what is down there after all this time!?”

“I know, I know, it’s utterly unconscionable,” said Zack, calm and collected, stroking the long, silken hair.

“What am I, a rat-catcher?! Who the fuck was it that had to march in when Hill 83 was overrun and liberate our supplies and soldiers?”

“I know,” said Zack soothingly.

“And who had to go into Wutai and put down the resistance? Do they think I just danced in there and..?”

“That was Mideel.”

“What?”

“Mideel. We were in Mideel. Not Wutai.”

“Well who cares, it was a burg! It’s not like I was ever asked to invade anyplace warm and dry!”

“I know,” said Zack, still all tranquility and sympathy. “But there’s no need to be upset, they’re just worms.”

“They are NOT just worms, they’re heinous disgusting slithering demonic abominations! And they’re probably everywhere by now. Plotting and… and… and… wiggling!”

Cid leaned over to speak quietly to Cloud, keeping his eyes on Sephiroth and Zack. “So this is Baby at his mental health best, huh?”

Cloud grinned. “Yup. That’s as good as it gets.”

“He’s… still a whack job.”

“He was born a whack job. He has an IQ of two hundred and eleven. That tends to make a person a little gonzo.”

Cid’s jaw dropped. “Two hundred and eleven?! I didn’t know that was humanly possible!”

“All it takes is a little in-utro brain tinkering.”

“Damn!”

Tifa stood up and walked over to Sephiroth, who was still in a knot over the situation. She lightly nudged Zack aside, then reached up to begin gently rubbing the Silver Tiger behind the ears. Almost instantly one knee began threatening to buckle.

“Please?” she asked sweetly. “For me?”

He didn’t answer, just making some growling and muttering noises. She increased the pressure just slightly, and this time the knee did buckle, as did the other one. He had his head resting against her enormous breasts, his eyes closed and a look of pure ecstasy on his face.

“For me?” she wheedled gently.

“I don’t know…”

“Please? Who’s a pretty kitty? Huh? Who’s a beautiful kitty?”

She did something that made him squirm and squiggle like a feline in heat, his dignity a fond memory but nothing more.

“Come on. Pretty kitty gonna come catch all the bad mousies in my housie?”

“Fine, sure, whatever.”

“Good kitty!” Tifa looked up at Zack, Cloud and Vincent. “So are the three of you going to help too, or do I have to get rough?”

They stared back at her with enormous eyes. It was Zack who finally spoke.

“Lady… I’m scared of you.”

“So you’ll come?”

Cloud sighed heavily, and he, Zack and Vincent all exchanged glances as Sephiroth purred contentedly.

“Fine, sure, whatever,” said Vincent.