Ratklok
By:

Rating: It's...Metalocalypse related. Seriously. Do the math.
Category: AU. So very, very AU for the following: Metalocalypse / Rabid Tiger AU!FFVII / FDS!LOTR
Pairing(s):
Warnings: It's...Magic Rat related. Seriously. Do the math.
Notes: For the Magic Rat, in hopes that the Evil Canadian TV Station returns her stupid rockstars to her soon! And because the bunny bit and bit hard and wouldn't let me go because it's also pretty damn evil too. *shakes the bunny off and goes to do her homework*

In a small apartment somewhere in Canada, a small rat sat in her basket, stewing and smoking a cigar and staring at the blank TV screen. Her favourite show was supposed to be on, the one that chronicled the lives and idiocies of five less-than-intelligent rockstars. Metalocalypse had been taken off the air by the incredibly stupid Canadian TV station. The rat was not amused, and all of her pets had made themselves scarce. She let out a threatening growl and straightened her little blue hat, before digging around in her basket and producing a bottle of mead, a piece of parchment, a bottle of ink, and a feather quill that was missing quite a few of its feathers. Taking a healthy swig of the mead and giving a loud HICCUP, she set to work.

*~*~*~*

Ofdensen quirked an eyebrow as he read the letter. It looked like a drunken, headless chicken had been placed in a jar of ink and let loose, but if he stood on his head and hummed the American national anthem, he could make out the majority of it.

Dear Mr. Ofdensen,

My name is the Magic Rat. I live in Canada. I don't like it here. They took off that wonderful show about Dethklok. Send Nathan with some beer and an axe to change their minds.

Sincerely,
The Magic Rat

Ofdensen settled back into his normal, impassive facial expression and left his office, heading to the grand dining hall where, despite the fact that it was nearly four in the afternoon, the boys were eating breakfast. Toki was wolfing down several stacks of blueberry pancakes covered in pickled herring, and everyone else was simply too hungover to even think about anything but coffee.

"Hi's Mister Lawyers Man!" Toki chirped brightly, and everyone else in the room winced. Ofdensen nodded to Toki and went to the small table where Jean-Pierre had set up the coffee pot and a carafe of orange juice. He filled his favorite mug and began to drink it, reading over the letter again. Nathan looked up at him.

"What's that?" he grumbled, and Charles refolded the letter and put it in his pocket.
"Just an odd bit of fanmail from someone calling herself the Magic Rat. She claims that they've stopped showing your TV show in Canada."

The reaction was instantaneous.

"Whats? They's can'ts stops showings our show! No ones gets to see Toki in actions!"

"Ha! Whys would anyones wants to see yous when they can sees Skwisgaar!"

Toki and Skwisgaar continued to argue as Nathan looked at Ofdensen.

"That's really…brutal. The bad kind of brutal."

"Why does a rat watch TV?" Pickles asked, and the room fell silent.

"Yeah, why DOES a rat watch TVs?" Toki looked thoughtful, and Ofdensen swore he smelled something burning. He winced.

"I'm sure that it's just a nickname. She's probably just didn't want to disclose her real name – "

No one heard, and Ofdensen just stopped speaking and refilled his mug.

Nathan finally ended the buzzing conversation by jumping to his feet.

"THAT'S IT!" he roared. "We're going to Canada!"

**The Dethklok themesong plays briefly, then opens up on the Tribunal.**

"Gentleman, our informants within the Dethklok household have informed us that Dethklok are planning a trip to Canada to force a TV station to continue to play their hit TV show, Metalocalypse, which was taken off the air for unspecified reasons. This was brought to their attention by one – " and the TV monitors behind him all lit up to show an enlarged picture of a small grey rodent, a cigar in her mouth and her hat tipped to the side, - "Magic Rat."

Cardinal Ravenwood hissed and attempted to run as far away from the monitors as possible.

"IT IS A THING OF EVIL!" he snarled, pointing one gnarled hand at the beady-eyed creature. "It has done unspeakable things to undeserving people!"

General Crozier stared at the rat, wondering just sort of things the tiny creature could have done to make her so evil. He asked the question aloud, and another picture replaced that of the rat. A small, strikingly pretty black-haired man stood in front of a large blond man, a tiny white haired girl balanced on one hip and two toddlers at his feet.

"Meet Vincent Valentine," Senator Stampington said, and the monitors zoomed in on the dark-haired man's face. "A citizen of the planet Gaia, he was shot and killed while on duty, then used for a series of experiments that brought him back to life. The Rat somehow got involved in his story and rewrote his character, making him short and able to be impregnated, which he has thus done twice. Also," the picture switched to another black-haired man and another blond, though these two were both of an obviously Elvin race, "Erestor and Glorfindel of New Imladris, in addition to," and the pictures cycled through an elf and a dwarf, a large redheaded elf and an obviously related black-haired elf, and a dark-haired elf with his blond-haired consort, before coming to rest on a photo of a group of wildfolk in khitons, most of them dark-haired and with luminous green eyes, "Legolas Greenleaf Gimli, son of Gloin, Maheadros and Fingon, Lord Elrond and Rumil, and the Plains Elves. All, or at least one partner amongst them, have been able to conceive children. She has also altered the storylines of many other characters that she has inserted into the universes." Pictures of a young hippie and a blond haired soldier, a large, entirely black woman, and multiple children flashed across the screens. General Crozier sat back in his chair as the image of the rat returned.

"This creature must not be allowed to meet with Dethklok!" Ravenwood raved, glancing at Selatcia for confirmation of this fact. The old man frowned, eyes glowing as he glared at the rat.

"We will go," he whispered softly, and steepled his fingers as those around him jumped into action. He glared at the rat, and could almost feel her glaring back.
This would be a most formidable enemy.

*~*~*~*

"Oh, wowee, I's never been to Canadsdia before! Where's all de snows? And de polars bear!" Skwisgaar snorted and laughed.

"Ah, silly Tokis, polars bear from de North Pole!" Toki looked mildly distressed.

"But dat's where Santa lives! Santa is goings to gets eaten by de polars bear!"

Nathan snorted and glanced at Ofdensen, who sat reading quietly on a couch while the Dethbus chugged away. Ever since they had stormed the TV station and used both force and money to make the bastards put their show back on air, he had been feeling oddly…attracted to the smaller man. He went over to sit beside it and cautiously placed an arm around Ofdensen's shoulders.

Ofdensen glanced at Nathan, brow furrowed but face otherwise impassive. He marked the place in his book and closed it, turning to Nathan slowly.

"Hello, Nathan, is there something I can do for you?" Nathan shook his head, hair swaying and touching Ofdensen's face. The small, brown haired man shuddered in pleasure, suddenly noticing exactly how green Nathan's eyes were, how handsome his angular face was, and how much he wanted to kiss him right at that moment.

Nathan was experiencing similar feelings, but was far more confused by them.

"I, uh, um…fu//riff//ck it I WANT YOU!"

The two grabbed each other and began humping like horny rabbits, before, regardless of the other four on the bus staring on in awe, they tore their clothes off and began madly making love on the couch.

"Dude, holy sh//riff//it!" Pickles shouted, but the two didn't seem to hear him. Ofdensen let out a wild, keening cry and dug his fingers into Nathan's hips, while Nathan himself began tearing long trenches out of Ofdensen's back.

"OH FU//RIFF//CK CHARLES I LOVE YOU!" he howled, tossing his head back and crying as he came. Charles said nothing, merely spilling himself inside of Nathan and collapsing on top of him, breathing hard.

Skwisgaar, Pickles, Toki and Murderface all looked on in awe.

"Doesh anybody elshe have the shudden urge to call Knubbler?" Murderface asked quietly. The other three snapped their heads away from Charles Ofdensen and Nathan Explosion cuddling to stare at him.

"No," they replied in unison, and Murderface collapsed in relief.

"Oh thank fu//riff//ing god! NONE OF YOU MOTHERFU//RIFF//CKERSH BETTER EVEN THINK ABOUT IT EITHER!"

With that, Murderface ran off, locked himself in the bathroom, and took out his Dethfone, calling Knubbler and yanking down his pants.

Toki and Skwisgaar stared after him for a moment, before the Swede turned to his long-time rival.

"Tokis, I hopes you know I still hates you."

Toki nodded and smiled.

"I hates you too, Skwisgaar. Wanna go makes out in closet while Mister Lawyers Man can'ts tells us no?"

The two of them giggled like schoolgirls, grabbed the other's hand, and went skipping off.

It was not three hours later that Nathan Explosion was naked on the bathroom floor, running with sweat and vomit on his chin, shaking and holding his stomach as, within him, cells began dividing in a womb that most certainly wasn't there before, forming three small bodies that would one day become the most badass accountants to ever walk the planet.

*~*~*~*

Completely lost and in the wrong part of Canada, several of General Crozier's finest men were killed due to their inability to speak Canadian French, and the Tribunal wondered exactly WHAT they had done to deserve their consistent failing. All, except, Selatcia, who simply sat with his fingers steepled and glared at the picture of the rat.

Oh yes, a most formidable enemy indeed. They would meet again, he was sure of it.

*~*~*~*

For an unexplainable reason, right at that moment in New Imladris, Lord Elrond got a headache and all of the men who had yet to have babies grabbed their loins and ran.

*~*~*~*

Cid Highwind howled with laughter, and his husband merely slapped a hand over his face.

"Oh, for the love of god…" he grumbled. Benji chose that moment to wander down the stairs, trip, and fall a few steps down, and the screaming that followed woke up both Aiden and Rhiannon. Both Vincent and Cid were up in an instant to bandage, leaving the TV open and vulnerable to hippies who wandered by and loved to watch trashy daytime soaps and not violent TV shows about metal bands, smiling at the fact that he didn't have kids. Then, he felt something within his stomach shift, and he got a vision of a small, black haired toddler with David's blue-grey eyes running up to him with a big smile on his face and mud all over his hands.

"Dude, harsh," he grumbled, and went to his room to cry.

*~*~*~*

In a small apartment in Canada, the Rat sat back from her parchment, put down her quill, and lit a cigar, severely proud of herself. In the background, the Metalocalypse theme began to play, and she climbed out of her basket and went back to watch her newly-uncancelled show with her duck and tarantula.